Serve Yourself

Always there for you when you have nothing else to do. Accommodating to a fault at the expense of myself. Missing moments that I cant get back. Putting off what I could do to be there for you.
You show up late and only after you take care of all yourself.  Uninterested and knowing it all. I should listen to you. You are very smart with experience beyond my imagination. I was so sick when we met. So desparate for affection and escape. I was still operating in safe-mode. I’d forgotten there was any other way. Nothing mattered but you. I’d wait days, weeks for you to come around. You said I was the sweetest woman you’ve ever known. I had lots of practice at that. Somewhere, for some reason I’m not sure of, I started to wake-up. I think it was that filthy place you took us then expected us to wait around for you because you never have a plan. I wish I was being petty but the kids said the place looked like horror movie. I was able to calm them. I had to protect your feelings even at the expense of ours. I was so sick, not able to participate in the little fun that was offered. I know it made you mad. You wanted just me but I am a package deal with heavy baggage.  We didnt have basic supplies or equipment to protect us from the elements. I gave all I had to the kids to keep them safe. There was none left for me. I couldnt satisfy you. I was depleted. There we sat waiting for you. Such a familiar pattern. I was horrified it took so long to realize. That was the turning point. For awhile things got better. Mainly because I surrendered to your ways more completely. That wasnt enough for you. You started “coping” again. I lost feelings as time went on. I cant get them back. Youre still coping and Im still losing. I hang on waiting for a time of clarity when we can talk. It doesnt come. Even if you stop coping I dont think it will matter. The feelings I had for you are so far away. If I hadnt been so sick when we met maybe I would have seen the pattern and walked away. I like to think so. I thing we are better if Im alone. Safer to be alone in the world rather than serving someone whose only there after hes served himself first.


Author: Undeniably Sara

Chronic Illness is a relentless beast gnawing away at the soundness of mind. Resilience is a powerful weapon and must be nurtured.

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