To Answer Your Questions…

After finally mustering up the courage to escape an abusive marriage I sought refuge from my family who was all but erased from my life by the narcissist. The first thing I did was call my mom and let her speak to the grandchildren she hardly knew. When the initial shock and relief wore off the blaming started, “You should have never married him,” they said. “Why did you let things go on for so long?” These were just some of the pointed questions thrown at me. I felt so guilty for what happened already, and I was conditioned over the years to accept any and all negative criticism as the truth.

Let me start by saying my mom and dad have helped me through this life and I can never repay them for all they’ve given me. At the time these questions were posed to me, I was numb and unable to answer. Now I can address them. You’re right. I should have never married him. He is a skilled actor, liar and con artist with a mask that fit seamlessly until it was far too late for me to escape without severe damage. I didn’t let things go on. These things were inflicted upon the children and me without any approval, and at least I found a way, on my own, to escape.

In the end, the questions stopped and I regained some of my strength and self worth enough to address these questions to my family and friends.

Victim blaming serves no helpful purpose.  Those who have managed to escape need support, understanding, and comforting – not more questions.  In time they will be strong enough to talk about it more.  Please be patient not critical.


Author: Undeniably Sara

Abuse is an unfortunate reality in this world and is more than physical assault. The invisible trauma we suffer can result in chronic illness, which is a relentless beast gnawing away at the soundness of mind. Education and support from others are vital in the healing journey.

22 thoughts on “To Answer Your Questions…”

  1. You are blessed to have parents that have helped you. I am sorry that your sister does not understand what you were going through. It is hard for others to understand this type of abuse. This abuse does not leave scars on the outside, only on the inside. Consequently, you are unable to show a picture of the damaging scars to your sister.
    Stay brave! You are remarkable!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I know and you know that what you are saying is not new news, but as each and every victim … no, survivor … of domestic abuse finds their way out of the mud, their story and words of wisdom deserve to be heard. For the benefit of others yet to step into the mud, if mud represents the gap between staying put and getting out. Very brave. Heartfelt. I wonder if deep down, your sister is behaving outwardly for the benefit of someone else ….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you have gone through this. You are very brave for having gotten yourself and your children out of there. It is a very difficult thing to do. Your sister is obviously dealing with her own issues. Concentrate on your own healing and that of your children. I was raised by a narcissist and I can understand how much courage it took for you to stand up for yourself and your children. It does not matter how you got into the situation nor why nor how long you were in the situation. What matters is that you did what was best for you and your children, time frame is unimportant. Only those who have dealt with a narcissist can truly understand what it takes to get yourself out from under their thumbs. Congratulations!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. The blows of abuse ripple into all areas of our life. When I finally came to my senses and left, my mother said: “Can’t you just make it work; you’ve managed this many years. Better a bad husband than none at all.” I realized this was her agenda and justification for having stayed with my father. Time and circumstances have a way of coming around. There is hope yet for your sister. So glad you are on the healing side of all this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve had friends whose parents have encouraged them to go back to abusive spouses and it just doesn’t turn out well. Fortunately, my parents knew I needed to get away, they were just mad it happened and thought I should have left sooner.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Concerning my Dad and my older sister’s Dad, my Mom did the same thing. Eventually she left these con artists. It isn’t easy to sort these things out. I’m not sure my Mom ever did. She knew what she didn’t want post marriages, but never got to the point of knowing what she did. So to an extent, she remained mired and paralyzed. It is complex. I’ll give you that.
    Rebuilding is a whole different journey. My sis never could. My younger brother still struggles. Me? I’ve had to redefine who I am separately from the past. It wasn’t me. It was something inflicted upon me. I’ve chosen to let it go and move on, but I rely on a Higher Power continually to overcome in all areas. I alone do not have the power.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it is complex. I can relate to your mom knowing what she didnt want, but struggling to find what she did. I feel like I still don’t know what I want and have trouble seeing how a spouse could fit in to my life in a positive way. It will take time, I[m sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d say find your real self first. It takes awhile. You kind of mind meld into what the other person expects, and then one loses their identity in these circumstances. But that’s no place to begin a new relationship. You gotta know you, to truly know who loves you. 😉 Find that freedom, before committing to sharing it again.

        Liked by 3 people

  6. Congratulations for stepping out of your marriage and expressing it here. My recent life has been similar. The only things I can share with you are: forgiveness and responsibility. Thanks for writing.😎

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve been there…abusive marriage. My family didn’t have to ask any of those questions, though–my father was still alive, the precursor to the other man who would hurt me what I thought was irreparably. (Why I refused to move back in with them when I left my ex. They understood. )
    It wasn’t until dad died we were physically free…much longer before the invisible chains healed.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can relate to the dangers of leaving. My mom was forced to work because he wouldn’t. He’d beat her and take her paycheck. She’d have to steal most of the time to feed my brother and I. The absolute last time we lived under the same roof, he said he was taking my brother and I. She went berserk and finally fought back. She even lifted him off of his feet and banged his head against the door jamb. He tried to leave and she literally ripped the hood off the car without touching a latch. This was an old car. It had two metal wire cords that were in addition to the latch you have to pop underneath. She ripped it off its hinges and threw it into the field next to the car. I ran down the road to a family member’s house and screamed for them to call the police. I was eight. My mother had both eyes blackened, her nose and lips were busted, her hair was ripped out, and grass was embedded in her face where he had pounded her face into the ground. Those were the things that weren’t covered by clothes. When you have an abuser that believes they will suffer no consequences, nothing is over the line. He thinks he is invincible. That day he saw what a mother whose children are threatened can do if pushed far enough. Either or both of them could have died that day.

    Liked by 1 person

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