I woke up this morning, and like many of us, the first thing I did was check my phone. As I moved through the notifications, I came across something that stopped me in my tracks. More than three years after a messy breakup, and absolutely no contact, an ex-boyfriend was attempting to message me. I decided to wait until I was a little more awake to look at the notification again to make sure I understood what I was seeing.
It was definitely him, but he wasn’t using his real name or alias from when we were together. You see, the only reason I know it is him is that my children discovered him on social media over a year ago and told me what name he was going by now. As far as I know, he does not realize I know his current alias. This realization gives me the creeps, to say the least.
He was the first and only boyfriend since my divorce, and he isn’t much of an improvement. I repeated many of the same mistakes I made with my former husband and told myself that at least he isn’t as bad. In many ways, he isn’t, but that didn’t make him right for me either.
He is another narcissist. He exhibits the classic symptoms, including a general lack of empathy for others, a grandiose sense of self-importance, and a sense of entitlement among many others. I allowed him to be a part of my life for far too long, and I am still paying for that decision. Once I removed him from my life, there hasn’t been one second that I ever considered taking him back, and up until now, I haven’t heard from him.
So why is he trying to contact me now, and why does it feel so sneaky? Why is he using an alias he doesn’t know I recognize? I can’t be sure why, but I realize the social platform he is using to try to message me is one I am new to and just started posting to last month. He is blocked from all of the other social platforms I use, but I failed to consider this one, and that’s my fault. Yes, I feel stupid, but I’m not likely to let this happen again.
Of the three posts on this new site, two of them are about a guy I met a couple of weeks ago. No, we are not dating or anything like that, but this guy had the most captivating eyes I’ve ever seen, and they still haunt me. What’s more, is that I didn’t even notice his eyes at first. I tend to avoid eye contact with men, particularly those I don’t know, as much as possible. The first thing that struck me about this guy is how kind he was and how gently he spoke to me. Then I looked up and saw his eyes and about fell over.
Is my ex trying to contact me because I posted about another man? Does he want something from me? Is so, what? Maybe he simply wants to taunt me. After all, he always made fun of my blog and said it was stupid. But why now? It could be that I just messed up and forgot to block him on this new platform, but how did he find me? Has he been looking for me? Why?
If I sound paranoid, it’s because I am. I see no good reason for the two of us to talk again. I certainly have nothing to say to him and have no desire to hear anything he has to say to me. I can only guess there is some unsavory reason for his interest, and I base this on personal experience. Trust me when I say that I will not willingly have any contact with him.
By the way, I blocked him on the new site and then checked all the other sites I’m on and made sure he’s still blocked there. I know he can come up with another alias and attempt to contact me again, but I’m not going to stop what I’m doing because of him. My blog is a lifeline, where I connect with others who have similar experiences. I’m not going to let fear get the best of me here.
That’s great – don’t give him the power to take away what’s good for you.
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Agreed!
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I think the bottom line is that you made a decision and action that you feel is in your best interest. I think that is huge! It’s so important in loving yourself to recognize toxicity and making a decision to keep it away. It’s unfortunate some people can’t take a hint, but it’s important you know what’s best for you.
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I must admit, I felt compelled to respond partially out of curiosity, but also because that was always my role in the relationship. I had to jump when he said boo. There is just nothing good to come out of any contact with him. I’m so thankful I can see it and am strong enough to have a firm boundary. Thank you for your kind words.
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Relationships like that have the tendency to mess with our minds as much as our hearts. It’s always nice knowing there is someone that can offer support in tough matters of the heart.
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What an awful experience. Don’t respond and stay strong, rise above him.
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So far, so good.
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I think it is Daphne Rose Kingsma who says that after a breakup we tend to do a repeat relationship, only we come through it faster, recognizing the faults. Kudos to you for moving on and staying firm.
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Thank you, V.J.
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Welcome Sara.
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I think it is at least partially the season. Mine reached out and effectively let me know he has my address. Maybe they are expecting us to soften, as it is Christmas. No chance.
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I agree. There are certain times of the year they seem to want to reach out. I’m sorry yours felt the need to let you know he has your address. I’ve been through that before, and it is so creepy.
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Glad to hear you knew who it was before you might have responded. Way to be strong and stand your ground!
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Thank you, leigha.
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You are welcome.
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This is a frightening experience. He is obviously a stalker who doesn’t want you to move on. Some shits are like that. Stay strong.
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Stalker is the first word that came to my mind and the fact that he’d still like to control me in whatever way possible.
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Progress can be slow, increments that matter often seem “small” and leave us wondering despite them being important turning points.
You could celebrate your progress in some small way that has meaning for you, something along the line of an “Artist’s Date,” as Julie Cameron describes in “The Artist’s Way.” If we do not celebrate our milestones, then who will?
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What a great comment maybe every time, we resist a hoover we should reward ourselves in some small way.😀
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If it moves us forward, then why not?
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You make a good point, A. I’m so eager to “finish healing” that I sometimes fail to see all the small steps that go into the journey. Your right that if we don’t celebrate, then there may be none at all.
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