The tangled mass of vibrant colors shooting out of the head makes visual the struggle to explain the traumatized mind. Surviving each day is challenging enough, but then we face trying to describe the sensation to others.
Category: Chronic Illness
Chronic illness can be hereditary, environmental, and a result of trauma both physical and emotional.
Breaking Point
Burning stress, piercing hurt, and crushing fear
Pile on, forming a jagged mountain of pain.
Then, a feather lands atop with a whisper of breath.
Giant boulders crash down, roaring like a freight train.
The taste of blood in my throat, a migraine of molten lava,
And my heart, pounding out of my chest, beating in my ears.
The breaking point smoulders from holding it in too long.
Good Question
He Sleeps Soundly
How can you sleep at night, Mr. Narcissist? We hardly sleep at all, yet I suspect you sleep just fine. After all, you never did anything wrong, and these memories we all fight so hard to resolve are an elaborate fabrication.
What a beautiful, fantasy world you in which you dwell. Beware, for it will all crumble down eventually, and when it does, we will be stronger than ever. Relish your memories of when you had full power and control over us because those times are extinct!
The Passage of Pain
So many things are passed on to our children including some of our most significant struggles. What a joy it is to see the positive aspects of family traits reflected in our children and what a devastating reality it is to see them struggle with pain. My youngest daughter has migraines. She got them from me. My mom and my maternal grandmother both had migraines, and I suspect this genetic condition goes back many generations more than any of us know.
So many things are passed on to our children, including some of our most significant struggles. What a joy it is to see the positive aspects of family traits reflected in our children and what a devastating reality it is to see them struggle with pain. My youngest daughter has migraines. She got them from me. My mom and my maternal grandmother both had migraines, and I suspect this genetic condition goes back many generations more than any of us know.
Today, after missing another school day, my sweet daughter is in bed with her head on an ice pack and her room as dark as can be in the middle of the day. I know exactly how she feels, yet I am powerless to end her pain. It was just after she was born that my migraines became chronic and, ultimately, intractable. She knows what her future could hold, and it both scares her and makes her sad.
Another journey is at hand because we must find a way to control/prevent my daughter’s migraine attacks before they take over her life. I’m so sorry little one. It is part of who we are, but I won’t let it overtake you.
Black Days
One “black day” is manageable, most of the time. Many of them crammed on top of each other can feel insurmountable. These “black days” have been plentiful recently, and respite is nowhere in sight. Instead of feeling desperation and defeat there is numbness. Even anger is unable to be roused leaving a sense of complacency and acceptance.
There is still hope for the seed of happiness to sprout and grow, but for now, it is firmly buried under the weight of too many “black days.”
Longing for Restful Sleep
Showing the Scars
Imagine if we could see the emotional pain and scars represented on the skin of those around us. Festering, oozing, open sores on the skin of souls still trapped in their pain and black and blue bruises covering the bodies of those beginning to heal.
What about those with scars? Some may hide scars, embarrassed by their pain and past struggle, even though they had to be so very strong to survive. Those with scars that show, uncovered in the sun, for all to see might be the strongest of all. These are the scars of people who were strong enough to survive, heal, and continue living despite their past.
How different would we relate to people if we could see their internal pain? How different would we present ourselves if our past was visible on our skin?
I’ll Crawl If I Must
This recent struggle is overwhelming and at times, unbearable. It feels like running a marathon and sensing the finish line is within reach, but suddenly being forced to run with two broken legs. It is the exhaustion setting in along with the absence of rest that weighs so heavily on the body and mind.
There is no option to quit. There is no option for failure. I will crawl if I must, dragging these broken and bloody legs behind me to claim the prize – healing, rest, and, most of all, peace.
I Wear My Sunglasses Inside
I wear my sunglasses inside
So I can so I can
Protect my eyes from blinding rays
And I wear my sunglasses inside
So I can so I can
Function in some normal kind of way
Lyrics adapted from Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart
