Involuntary

 Key word – Involuntary

Fear and Dignity

I kept my mouth shut, at first, out of fear, but now I choose my words carefully because I’ve got some dignity.

Yes, Another Migraine.

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chronic

adjective chron·ic \ˈkrä-nik\
Popularity: Top 20% of words

Simple Definition of chronic

  • medical : continuing or occurring again and again for a long time

  • : happening or existing frequently or most of the time

  • : always or often doing something specified

Source: Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary 
September 15,2016
I have them almost every day.  No, not every migraine keeps me in bed or causes me to worship the porcelain godess.
Yes, each migraine is much more than a headache. Most difficult is how every migraine short circuits my brain.  Doing any sort of math in my head is out of the question and computer work is tedious and entirely frustrating. I must pay particular attention to my driving as my migraines are so distracting.  I could take a pill and it might work.  I could take a pill and it might not do anything.  I could take a pill, again today, that will cause another migraine tomorrow.  That one will be worse.
I’m tired.  No, I’m exhausted.  Yes, I have another migraine… 😦

Fighting

I’m fighting Complex PTSD, and

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Chronic Migraine EVERYDAY.  Why?

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Because I’ve already survived all of this…

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This will Help

help

 

People have said many things to me about my chronic illnesses. I have chronic migraine, major depression, and complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).  I’ve tried for a long time to understand what the point is when people say certain things to me.  Why would you say these things to someone you care about?

“I go to work when I’m sick, but whatever.”

Okay. Well I hope it wasn’t contagious! Man, I’ve worked when I’ve been so sick I got lost going to see the doctor (neurologist) during my lunch hour.  Did I mention I’d been to his office at least twice before?  I’m not talking about a bad cold or diarrhea.  I’m talking about getting lost in a town I’ve lived in for almost 30 years, going somewhere I’ve been more than once. Not to mention the intense pain of chronic migraine that caused me to seek out the doctor who prescribed the medication that scrambled up my brain.  I’ve gone to work in severe pain too.  So many times its just a blur.

“You need a better plan. That’s why things aren’t working out for you.”

The best plan in the world doesn’t help me if I’m too sick to follow it.  This isn’t about a plan.  Its about me being chronically ill.  It took a long time for me to get this sick and it´s gonna take time for me to recover and/or learn to live with it.  Things aren’t great for me but the kids and I have a safe place to live, food & clothes.  I think we are doing well, especially considering what we have all been through.

“You just need to get over it.”

Touchee!

“Are you feeling better yet?”

This is such a loaded question.  Better than what?  On the days I don’t have a migraine I’m either exhausted and recovering from one or I’m worried about when the next one will come.  Then there’s the CPTSD.  I want to feel better so badly.  I fight every day to get better.  Please stop asking me this question.  You don’t really want to hear the answer.

“I wanted to be there for you but I was busy.”

I understand you are busy and I respect your time and other commitments.  I only ask the same of you in return.  Please don’t ask me to run errands for you, take your dog to the vet, or deliver business papers. Don’t stop by unannounced and dump all your problems on me.  My cup is full, overflowing actually.  My priority is my children.  You are a grown-up with no children at home.  I think you can take care of your own stuff.  I’d like to be there for you but I’m to busy fighting to get through my day.

“I know how you feel.”

I doubt that.  If you know how I feel you’d never say these things to me.  You would understand how confusing it is to have someone you care for hurt you in this way.

A part of me wants to believe you just don’t understand, but I’ve explained it to you over and over again.  You’ve seen me so sick I couldn’t get out of bed.  What do you think I’m doing here?  Do you really believe I wanted to lose my job?  Can’t you see how hard I fight to take care of my family?  Don’t you think I’d like to get over it?  Somehow you believe I enjoy reliving past trauma?  Sometimes I wonder because I’ve realized you are one of my biggest triggers.  I’ve explained that to you but I guess you were busy or you didn’t listen because you already know how I feel.  I’ve pleaded with you to stop the behaviors that trigger me.  You know I’ve begged you.

I’m trying hard to see the point.  Why do you say these things to me?  Do you think This will Help?

Fight to Live in the Present

Fight to live in the Present

I struggle with this every day.  I lost my health working for money.  Living without the money is a challenge but worth the cost to reclaim my health.  I’ve exhausted and depleted myself by worrying about my future and those I love.  I’m fighting to live in the present.  I fight every day, all day long and into the night.  I want to experience living again before I die.

PTSD & STRESS – PTSD Stress Cup Theory

The PTSD Cup Theory This explains why people with PTSD, cannot cope with the same amount of (brain) stress, as people without PTSD. ‘Brain Stress’ is anything the brain has to do for us…

Source: PTSD & STRESS – PTSD Stress Cup Theory

You Don’t Understand

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You don understand and I wonder if you ever will. I’ve tried so many times to explain it. I told you one of my biggest triggers, and you don’t even try to stop doing it. Instead you turn the blame on me.

I understand that in your past, someone acted crazy once around you while doing something I also do. That is very different than being completely isolated from my friends and family for over a decade by a raging narcissist. You see I was systematically stripped of my identity and self worth in ways I can´t fully put into words and then I watched him start to do it to our children.

When we finally got away from him he unleashed a fury we are still reeling from. I’m scared much of the time because of my past. That trigger I told you about, actually, every trigger I’ve told you about was a desperate plea from me. We got away from the narcissist but you can bring him right back in an instant. He instilled so much fear in us which is exactly what you do when you don’t even try to stop.

No, it wasn’t you who did those horrible things to us. You just spark frightening flashbacks and expect us to let it go and understand you are having a difficult time coping with life. How selfish of you. If you don’t stop then you don’t care. You don’t understand.

I Love an Overcast Day

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I love an overcast day. I love the rain and snow too. I think its because on a sunny day the world is just too bright for me.

Don’t be Mad

I’m not mad. I’m mourning the loss of a dream and the loss of the person I thought I loved. The loss of my best friend. You’ve been gone so long I struggle to remember who you are and he truth is you are both people. You are the one I care for and the one who cares for me and is kind. You are also the one who is drowning and I’m too scared to tell you I know.

You are soaked in a poison that soothes you but also takes your life a little bit at a time. It takes you away from me and the past has taught me to keep quiet to keep safe. It’s caused me to be triggered relentlessly when the you I care for is gone and the other you is here.

The pattern is set. I’ve made the mistake again. My vision is clearer now even with the fear. I hope I can stand my ground. So many people are counting on me. I wish you could come with me. It’s not fair to demand that you change and it does no good if you aren’t ready. My dream is dying. I’m not mad but I don’t want to watch you drown anymore. It hurts too much.