Eyes are a window into the soul. The narcissist’s eyes are cold and masked with a forced sparkle until they rage with all the darkness of a black hole. I find myself avoiding eye contact, for the most part, as a defense mechanism. If I am in a situation where I must interact with strangers, I make it short and sweet with no opportunity for fostering a relationship of any kind. Shielding myself in this way creates a little bubble of safety around me, which I am all too comfortable with.
Then there are those eyes whose gaze I struggle to tear myself away from. I’m drawn to large, light-colored eyes and find myself searching them for truth. Eyes that hold nothing back and open to reveal authenticity, honesty, and beauty are irresistible to me. Combine those eyes with a gentle but confident nature, and I’m in hook, line, and sinker. Your eyes haunt me like a full moon on a warm summer night.
Life is a struggle from the very beginning. We fight for our first breath upon leaving the womb and cry when we succeed. We exert significant effort learning to walk and many times encounter pain before we triumph over balance. The struggles we face build our strength to overcome the next challenge. Struggling is not failing because it allows us to make our way through life.
Peace is justified, and the desperate longing for its gentle embrace illuminates the path through the dense forest of fear. Life continues full of painfully slow and exhausting recovery, yet peace still evades. Toxic entities are increasingly transparent as they swarm in the light of hope emanating from our open wounds. With one violent revolution of the earth, one precarious step on the path, sometimes just one excruciating breath at a time, we chase the peace we so valiantly deserve.
I remember planning my future, where I’d go to college, what I’d study, and how my future career would allow for some flexibility for the unexpected. It was a logical, researched and well-thought-out plan.
I’ve come to realize much of the anxiety, distress, and ultimately dis-ease in my life originated from my stubbornness to follow this plan at all costs. The amount of energy expended trying to control my life depleted my ability to respond to the inevitable “shit show.”
It takes great restraint to focus my efforts on what is happening right now rather than attempting a stranglehold on the cornucopia of “what ifs.” Now, my plan is like following a map to a destination unbeknownst to me. The map helps guide me, but I must find my own way.