Healing Deeper

There are undoubtedly many stages and layers of healing but I find most interesting about these six stages is the last one, Maintenance.  It involves returning to the earlier stages to continue healings.  As I look at these six stages, I see myself in each one, and part of me wonders why I’m not entirely healed.  I realize now that I’ve returned to the earlier stages, several times, and my healing is ongoing.  It is deeper now than ever before.

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An Excellent Father

In front of others, he’d let the kids do whatever they wanted.  They could climb the walls, and he would just sit there with a smile on his face.  Once we were alone, he’d rage at them, screaming about how they embarrassed him and made threats to thwart future bad behavior.  Some people were wise enough to sense something wasn’t quite right, but they couldn’t know how terrible it actually was when we were alone.  I once thought he was unable to control himself, but this behavior made it clear.  He knew what he was doing all along.  He controlled it when it suited him and hid it to preserve his public image which was always more important than his children.  Even now, he presents himself as “an excellent father” of three, but we know it’s only for show.

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Just Get Over It!

I know for a fact that if I had a traditional “physical disease” people in my life would be more understanding.  For some reason crippling depression, complex PTSD, and migraines that not only offer blinding pain but impaired cognitive function are “all in my head” and I should be able to “get over it.”   My family would not be embarrassed or disappointed in me because of my illnesses.  My boss and co-workers may not have accused me of “faking it to get out of work,” and maybe I’d still have my job.  But I don’t have a traditional “physical disease,” so I must work harder to heal and overcome the stigma others, with no concept of my ailments, place upon me.

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What do you do for fun?

I remember struggling to think of something I enjoyed doing or even something I’d like to do.  I didn’t do anything for fun, and I felt embarrassed.  So much of my life was filled with the task of making others happy that I lost myself.   Fun is still something a bit foreign to me, but I’m learning to enjoy parts of my life again.  I’ll get back there, in time…

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Learning Spoon Theory

Learning about Spoon Theory changed my life and made it livable.  I’ve always been the kind of person who pushed through any illness or pain to get the job done.  When I became chronically ill, this attitude only exacerbated my illness.  I’ve had to change my outlook on life, learn to say “No,” and maintain a schedule to accomplish what is most important.  No matter how much I want to, there are things I will not do because the consequences outweigh the benefit.

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Appreciating Opinions

The opinion of others always came first in my life well above my own.  I’ve spent most of my life trying to please others while neglecting myself.  Finally, I am ready to take care of myself and do the things I feel are most important.  People can say whatever they want, but I know the truth.  I must be able to live with myself and my decisions.  When I go to sleep at night, I want a clear conscious, so my dreams are my own. I appreciate the opinions of others, but I listen to my own voice now.

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