“Who is that girl?”

trilobite fossils
   child with sparkling eyes
   caught in time like trilobites
   motionless and glorified

     child with sparkling eyes
     beneath the surface, she fights
     desperate and horrified

      child with sparkling eyes
      caught in time like trilobites

No More Waiting

Yellow and orange paint dripping on black background.

Throwback to Waiting


His Shadow

I woke up this morning, and like many of us, the first thing I did was check my phone.  As I moved through the notifications, I came across something that stopped me in my tracks.  More than three years after a messy breakup, and absolutely no contact, an ex-boyfriend was attempting to message me. I decided to wait until I was a little more awake to look at the notification again to make sure I understood what I was seeing.

It was definitely him, but he wasn’t using his real name or alias from when we were together.  You see, the only reason I know it is him is that my children discovered him on social media over a year ago and told me what name he was going by now.  As far as I know, he does not realize I know his current alias. This realization gives me the creeps, to say the least.

He was the first and only boyfriend since my divorce, and he isn’t much of an improvement.  I repeated many of the same mistakes I made with my former husband and told myself that at least he isn’t as bad.  In many ways, he isn’t, but that didn’t make him right for me either.

He is another narcissist. He exhibits the classic symptoms, including a general lack of empathy for others, a grandiose sense of self-importance, and a sense of entitlement among many others.  I allowed him to be a part of my life for far too long, and I am still paying for that decision.  Once I removed him from my life, there hasn’t been one second that I ever considered taking him back, and up until now, I haven’t heard from him.

So why is he trying to contact me now, and why does it feel so sneaky? Why is he using an alias he doesn’t know I recognize? I can’t be sure why, but I realize the social platform he is using to try to message me is one I am new to and just started posting to last month.  He is blocked from all of the other social platforms I use, but I failed to consider this one, and that’s my fault.  Yes, I feel stupid, but I’m not likely to let this happen again.

Of the three posts on this new site, two of them are about a guy I met a couple of weeks ago.  No, we are not dating or anything like that, but this guy had the most captivating eyes I’ve ever seen, and they still haunt me.  What’s more, is that I didn’t even notice his eyes at first.  I tend to avoid eye contact with men, particularly those I don’t know, as much as possible.  The first thing that struck me about this guy is how kind he was and how gently he spoke to me.  Then I looked up and saw his eyes and about fell over.

Is my ex trying to contact me because I posted about another man?   Does he want something from me?  Is so, what?  Maybe he simply wants to taunt me. After all, he always made fun of my blog and said it was stupid.  But why now?  It could be that I just messed up and forgot to block him on this new platform, but how did he find me?  Has he been looking for me? Why?

If I sound paranoid, it’s because I am.  I see no good reason for the two of us to talk again.  I certainly have nothing to say to him and have no desire to hear anything he has to say to me.  I can only guess there is some unsavory reason for his interest, and I base this on personal experience. Trust me when I say that I will not willingly have any contact with him.

By the way, I blocked him on the new site and then checked all the other sites I’m on and made sure he’s still blocked there.  I know he can come up with another alias and attempt to contact me again, but I’m not going to stop what I’m doing because of him.  My blog is a lifeline, where I connect with others who have similar experiences.  I’m not going to let fear get the best of me here.


Good Question


He Sleeps Soundly

How can you sleep at night, Mr. Narcissist? We hardly sleep at all, yet I suspect you sleep just fine. After all, you never did anything wrong, and these memories we all fight so hard to resolve are an elaborate fabrication.

What a beautiful, fantasy world you in which you dwell. Beware, for it will all crumble down eventually, and when it does, we will be stronger than ever. Relish your memories of when you had full power and control over us because those times are extinct!


Narcissists Do It On Purpose!

Realizing the narcissists in my life knew very well what they were doing was a revelation for me. They purposefully and knowingly hurt others without regret, empathy, or taking any responsibility. They are in control of their actions at all times. Ultimately, the priority is to impress those who have yet to see behind their masks. Narcissists do it on purpose!


An Excellent Father

In front of others, the narcissist let the kids do whatever they wanted. They could climb the walls, and he would just sit there with a smile on his face. Once we were alone, the narcissist raged at them, screaming about how they embarrassed him. He launched vile threats at our children to thwart future bad behavior. Some people were wise enough to sense something wasn’t quite right, but they couldn’t know how terrible it actually was when we were alone.

I once thought the narcissist was unable to control himself, but this type of behavior made it clear. He knew what he was doing all along. He managed his rage when people were watching, masking it to preserve his public image, which was always more important than our children. Even now, after the divorce and court-ordered psychiatric exams diagnosing him with narcissistic personality disorder, he presents himself as “an excellent father,” but we know it’s only for show.


Hurt but Not Broken

For a long time, I honestly believed there was something wrong with me. In truth, I was hurting in silence and just needed an opportunity to heal. Instead, I beat myself up and let others abuse and take advantage of me until I was almost destroyed.

A good friend finally told me that I was not broken, and I should never let anybody make me believe otherwise. Of course, I thought this was just lip service, but there was much truth in that statement. Once I came to an understanding of my pain and its origin, I could start healing instead of trying to fix a part of me that was never broken in the first place. It is an entirely different concept.


To Answer Your Questions…

After finally mustering up the courage to escape an abusive marriage I sought refuge from my family who was all but erased from my life by the narcissist. The first thing I did was call my mom and let her speak to the grandchildren she hardly knew. When the initial shock and relief wore off the blaming started, “You should have never married him,” they said. “Why did you let things go on for so long?” These were just some of the pointed questions thrown at me. I felt so guilty for what happened already, and I was conditioned over the years to accept any and all negative criticism as the truth.

Let me start by saying my mom and dad have helped me through this life and I can never repay them for all they’ve given me. At the time these questions were posed to me, I was numb and unable to answer. Now I can address them. You’re right. I should have never married him. He is a skilled actor, liar and con artist with a mask that fit seamlessly until it was far too late for me to escape without severe damage. I didn’t let things go on. These things were inflicted upon the children and me without any approval, and at least I found a way, on my own, to escape.

In the end, the questions stopped and I regained some of my strength and self worth enough to address these questions to my family and friends.

Victim blaming serves no helpful purpose.  Those who have managed to escape need support, understanding, and comforting – not more questions.  In time they will be strong enough to talk about it more.  Please be patient not critical.