Without self-love, we accept whatever others have to give and fail to see the masks of love. Too many offer the idea of love without actually loving. When we don’t care enough for ourselves, we fall prey to those parasites who live in chaos and conflict all the while confessing to love. Without personal peace and acceptance, we are unable to love others truly.
The process of forgiveness is not quite complete yet, and at times the rage still boils up in me when triggered. It helps to understand the abuse was not personal but just another stop in your never-ending journey to inflict pain on others. Instead of dwelling on the hurt I am working through it as part of the healing process. Eventually, my scars will fade and my time will be spent on new endeavors instead of healing. Your journey will never end unless you admit to wrongdoing, seek help and change.
The incessant chatter in my head drowns out intuition and blurs truth from reality. Quieting the negative voice and focusing on the moment reveals the beauty life has to offer. Problems and strife still abound but the gut-wrenching dread about all the “what if’s” is replaced with calm and gratitude. Healing is at hand, and the future holds promise as the battle to stop the chatter rages on.
I always blamed myself and carried the guilt as if it were my punishment for making bad decisions. “You will never stop paying for it!” I was told many times, and a nugget of truth lies in that statement as we all must live with the consequences of our actions. Misplaced trust and belief in those who are undeserving of such gifts are my sins. “Imagine what you could have accomplished if the people in your life offered support and encouragement instead of tearing you down.” Someone once said to me, and this is the statement I choose to focus on now. The past is unchangeable, but the future is mine. It is a slow and often painful process, this transformation, but I embrace it as my reward for learning from and surviving the past.
One of the best things I ever did was insist my ex remove his things from the house we once shared. He hoarded everything from old movies and magazines to food and broken appliances. Nothing of his was ever thrown out not even shoes the cats used as a litter box. I couldn’t stand the site of his things and felt like they were swallowing me up in the shadows. I asked him politely to get his things, but he refused so I packed up everything and moved it to the garage. Even a two car garage was not big enough to hold all his stuff, so I asked him again to get his things, and again he refused. Ultimately, a court order was necessary to motivate him to collect his precious things. The entire situation was just another way he sought to control me. If I had his things, then he always had a reason to come back and badger me. For years he accused me of still having some of his things and even enlisted my young son to smuggle things out of the house to him. Fortunately, my son quickly realized he was being manipulated and told me. It has been almost eight years since the relationship ended and just this past summer, he tried to get my teenage son to take things from the house to give to him. In truth, he has multiple storage sheds full of things – so much so that he doesn’t know what he has or where it is – yet he fumes over the possibility that I still have some of his things. His things are toxic to me, and I want nothing of them, but to him, they are treasured memories. He holds onto clutter as he holds onto dysfunction and hate. How thankful I am to be free of the clutter he finds so valuable.
Words are merely another manipulation tool in the world of a narcissist. Promises flow freely from their lips because they are nothing more than lies. The promise is made to sooth the situation at hand by quieting the concerns and questions. No intent exists to fulfill the promise, and eventually, actions make this clear. I cringe at my stupidity in believing past promises even after the truth was made clear and guilt followed me because of my lack of insight. In fact, my fault was placing trust in people who deserve none. Those of us who speak the truth value our word and promises, but those who spew lies and breed deceit see words as nothing but another weapon in the arsenal.
I was not the first one to see behind his mask, and I will not be the last. Others recognized him for who he was long before I entered his life and he could only speak hate at the memory of them. At first, his family and friends appeared to stand by him and claimed ignorance of any wrongdoing but after some time passed they sought the truth. The craziest thing about his relentless pursuit of adoration is that everyone already knows the truth. Even the poor woman who lives with him right now knows there is something wrong – she just hasn’t hit her breaking point yet. When she moves on, he will simply find another to continue the cycle. Wearing out the welcome is just another stepping stone in his trail of destruction to claim something he can never have – authenticity.