Whatever problem or challenge you come to face, however difficult or impossible it may seem, you can and will adapt, if you desire, it’s ingrained in your nature. We have done ever since we were here. We are still evolving, adapting and changing. You are too, keep going. Respond. Adapt. Live. PsychPerspectives
Yesterday is the monster Who taught me how to run Tomorrow is the fairy Who keeps me from being disillusioned Copyright © MW the Mermaid. All rights reserved.
I struggle with this every day. I lost my health for working for money. Living without the money is a challenge but worth the cost to reclaim my health. I’ve exhausted and depleted myself by worrying about my future those I love. I’m fighting to live in the present. I fight every day, all day long and into the night. I want to experience living again before I die.
That’s how I feel. I know I’m getting better but losing that dream almost takes my breath away. I realize now it was doomed from the begining. Both of us so broken already. So much the same but so very different. I feel lighter, less frazzled. I feel sad and releived. I feel the loss. A hole in my being. It will heal better if there is no more us. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know if I ever will be. I saw the pattern and all the signs. So much clearer now but so are my inactions. A pattern itself. I must be strong and head down the best path. I’m still working on it.
I waited, knowing it would come. Maybe in a minute, maybe in several hours. It always came. I had to be there to make sure it wasn’t worse. When I didn’t wait. When I wasn’t there it was always worse. I prayed for an end. I dreamed of one. It didn’t end until I made it end. It was dangerous and terrifying. It was necessary.
I’m waiting again. Its not so bad this time, at least not on the surface. It comes in different ways. It wears a different mask. It tells a different lie. Its bad enough that it must end. I’m waiting for the right time. I’m terrified. It won’t end until I make it end. I dont know how this time…
Always there for you when you have nothing else to do. Accommodating to a fault at the expense of myself. Missing moments that I cant get back. Putting off what I could do to be there for you.
You show up late and only after you take care of all yourself. Uninterested and knowing it all. I should listen to you. You are very smart with experience beyond my imagination. I was so sick when we met. So desparate for affection and escape. I was still operating in safe-mode. I’d forgotten there was any other way. Nothing mattered but you. I’d wait days, weeks for you to come around. You said I was the sweetest woman you’ve ever known. I had lots of practice at that. Somewhere, for some reason I’m not sure of, I started to wake-up. I think it was that filthy place you took us then expected us to wait around for you because you never have a plan. I wish I was being petty but the kids said the place looked like horror movie. I was able to calm them. I had to protect your feelings even at the expense of ours. I was so sick, not able to participate in the little fun that was offered. I know it made you mad. You wanted just me but I am a package deal with heavy baggage. We didnt have basic supplies or equipment to protect us from the elements. I gave all I had to the kids to keep them safe. There was none left for me. I couldnt satisfy you. I was depleted. There we sat waiting for you. Such a familiar pattern. I was horrified it took so long to realize. That was the turning point. For awhile things got better. Mainly because I surrendered to your ways more completely. That wasnt enough for you. You started “coping” again. I lost feelings as time went on. I cant get them back. Youre still coping and Im still losing. I hang on waiting for a time of clarity when we can talk. It doesnt come. Even if you stop coping I dont think it will matter. The feelings I had for you are so far away. If I hadnt been so sick when we met maybe I would have seen the pattern and walked away. I like to think so. I thing we are better if Im alone. Safer to be alone in the world rather than serving someone whose only there after hes served himself first.