Not all of them, but those popular during my early childhood bring much nostalgia for me. The Rockford Files, Quincy M.D. and Hawaii Five-0 seem to be the strongest. I know I’m ageing myself but age happens. You can’t stop it so might as well embrace it. When I was a child my bedroom door opened to the living room of our home. My parents would stay up an hour or so after I went to bed. I listened to these theme songs as they played on the TV my parents watched. These songs lulled me to sleep for years. My parents would talk quietly during the commercials. I was safe. It felt good. Even now, all these years later I find I hum these songs to myself sometimes. I’ve tried watching these shows but I’m just not interested in anything but the music. I think this is a body memory. Something I can’t quite put into words but is so strong it stops me in my tracks. I had a safe, loving and maybe a little too sheltered childhood. A stark contrast to my adult life. I enjoy the memory and safe feelings. I long for them.
What words do I use? Should I try to explain? The fog that surrounds you is so thick its almost impossible to get through. I want to justify my decision. I want you to know where I’m coming from. Some things are just too painful to accept. I don’t want to hurt you. I must look out for us and do whats best. I only hope you can hear me and understand. It’s poison to you plain and simple. It’s poison that spreads to us. No more. I don’t know how say it except to just say it. It needs to stop, not for a while, not for a year. It needs to stop for good. Then we can talk.
I’m not mad. I’m mourning the loss of a dream. The loss of the person I love. The loss of my best friend. You’ve been gone so long I struggle to remember who you are. The truth is you are both people. You are the one I love. The one who cares for me and is kind. You are also the one who is drowning and I’m too scared to tell you I know. You are soaked in a poison that soothes you but also takes your life a little bit at a time. It takes you away from me. The past has taught me to keep quiet to keep safe. It’s caused me to be triggered relentlessly when the you I love is gone and the other you is here. The pattern is set. I’ve made the mistake again. My vision is clearer now even with the fear. I hope I can stand my ground. So many people are counting on me. I wish you could come with me. It’s not fair to demand that you change and it does no good if you aren’t ready. My dream is dying. I’m not mad but I don’t want to watch you drown anymore. It hurts too much…
Eat well, get plenty of rest and regular exercise. How many times have I heard this? Enough that it sounds like the adults speaking in a Charlie Brown movie. I don’t believe I’ve followed that advice in the past. I spent too many years eating chips and soda and not a meal. Exercise was no fun. Who wants to get all sweaty and stinky anyway? Sleep is a fantasy with four children. As my mind continues to clear I can see how simple the answer. I can eat well, get plenty of rest and regular exercise. These are now my priorities. It may seem selfish to focus on myself. It would be easier for me to give up. Getting better is hard, but my loved ones deserve to have me healthy and productive. I’m there for them. Everything else will fall into place. I will keep trying every day to improve my health. I will get there by doing the simplest things.