Survive Narcissistic Abuse, fight Chronic Illness, and begin to Heal.
Life is a struggle from the very beginning. We fight for our first breath upon leaving the womb and cry when we succeed. We exert significant effort learning to walk and many times encounter pain before we triumph over balance. The struggles we face build our strength to overcome the next challenge. Struggling is not failing because it allows us to make our way through life.
Control is an illusion, and the fight against reduction is perpetual.
There are undoubtedly many stages and layers of healing, but I find most interesting about these six stages is the last one, Maintenance. It involves returning to the earlier stages to continue healings. As I look at these six stages, I see myself in each one, and part of me wonders why the healing is taking so long. I realize now that I’ve returned to the earlier stages, several times, and my healing is ongoing. It is deeper now than ever before.
I remember struggling to think of something I enjoyed doing or even something I’d like to do. I didn’t do anything for fun, and I felt embarrassed. So much of my life is focused on the task of making others happy that I lost myself. Fun is still something a bit foreign to me, but I’m learning to enjoy parts of my life again. I’ll get back there, in time.
This quote by Confucius is so very true. Everything, no matter how seemingly unimportant, contributes to the whole. Some days, just getting out of bed is the only goal accomplished, but at least I’m no longer in bed. Forward movement, towards a better place, takes many small steps.
For a long time, I honestly believed there was something wrong with me. In truth, I was hurting in silence and just needed an opportunity to heal. Instead, I beat myself up and let others abuse and take advantage of me until I was almost destroyed.
A good friend finally told me that I was not broken, and I should never let anybody make me believe otherwise. Of course, I thought this was just lip service, but there was much truth in that statement. Once I came to an understanding of my pain and its origin, I could start healing instead of trying to fix a part of me that was never broken in the first place. It is an entirely different concept.
I always felt I needed someone to make me happy, but I was wrong. People in my life made me feel like there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t married or dating someone. My experience has proven that I am most unhappy while in a bad relationship and there is nothing wrong with being alone. Never again will I allow someone in my life so that other people will see me as a better person while I suffer in silence with the knowledge that things are very wrong. The next person I allow into my life will be a positive addition to my world or nothing at all because I am happy right now, alone.
