After finally mustering up the courage to escape an abusive marriage I sought refuge from my family who was all but erased from my life by the narcissist. The first thing I did was call my mom and let her speak to the grandchildren she hardly knew. When the initial shock and relief wore off the blaming started, “You should have never married him,” they said. “Why did you let things go on for so long?” and “How could you treat your sister so badly?” were just some of the pointed questions thrown at me. I felt so guilty for what happened already, and I was conditioned over the years to accept any and all negative criticism as the truth. Let me start by saying my mom and dad have helped me through this life and I can never repay them for all they’ve given me. At the time these questions were posed to me, I was numb and unable to answer. Now I can address them. You’re right. I should have never married him, but he was a skilled actor, liar and con artist with a mask that fit seamlessly until it was far too late for me to escape without severe damage. I didn’t let things go on. These things were inflicted upon the children and me without any approval, and at least I found a way, on my own, to escape. Thank you very much. My sister refuses to speak to me because I did some unknown thing to hurt her. I’m sorry that while the kids and I were being abused and traumatized by the Raging Giant, I didn’t think about your feelings more. How insensitive of me not to make you a priority during this time. To my mom, dad, brother, and my children who still stand by me thank you for loving and accepting me, flaws, scars and all.
Just over two years ago I finally made an appointment for a physical after avoiding the doctor for almost five years. I was ready to seek help for my migraines again after numerous negative experiences with medication and neurologists who let my concerns fall on deaf ears. This time my doctor listened to me because I insisted on being heard and this time I considered my symptoms might be more than physical. I took myself to see a therapist who confirmed my theory that the migraines are related to past, unprocessed trauma. The old me would have never stepped foot into a therapists office. Instead, I would have downed more pills from the doctor so I could keep working and continuing my path to destruction. I once thought losing my job would destroy my life but instead it was the catalyst for a new phase in my life.
Chronic migraines brought me to my knees, and I have no desire to return to that position. Some days I feel good and energetic, ready to take on the world but my body has limits and forces me to adjust. Instead of pushing through it I must slow down and rest, or the consequence will be severe and painful. It is a dance I am still learning and a new way to face life, much different than the way I was raised. There is no use in me overexerting myself if it leaves me in bed with agonizing pain for days afterward. Conservation and the careful use of precious resources is a priority in this new phase of my life.
How naive I was to believe the person I married was sincere when he professed his love for me and his desire to have children and live happily ever after. I understand even those with the best intentions are unable to have lasting love and successful marriage. The most painful truth I discovered was that everything was a lie and that I was manipulated from the very beginning for the sole purpose of fulfilling his demented ideas. He never loved me, is unable to love his children and we were merely another stop on his never-ending journey to make everyone else believe he is a wonderful person. He has this insatiable drive because he knows how dark and rotten he is causing him to spend unlimited amounts of energy building his false self. Truth, as painful as it was, released me from the agony of life with him.
It must be miserable being a narcissist no matter how much attention they attract. Deep down they know they lack in so many ways and this frightening reality fuels their insatiable needs. The desperate moves made to obtain and keep their narcissistic supply burn bridges and ruin relationships causing them to be on the lookout for the next victim constantly. There is no stability, comfort or love – only masks, lies and insincerity. No matter how miserable they are, admitting to the farce that is their life is far more painful than merely continuing the game. They are willing to inflict damage on all they come into contact with, sparing none, in a pitiful attempt to maintain their fake persona.
Numbness prevailed for many years before I was forced to confront what happened entirely. I had a desperate desire for a memory delete button just to get rid of all the garbage in my brain. Facing the reality of my past experiences is necessary for me to continue healing and move on. Sometimes a buried memory will reveal itself, shaking my damaged foundation, but I understand the trembling is necessary. Continuing onward each day, not knowing how long the journey will take, is alone an incredible achievement.
The beginning of my healing journey started with removing myself from an abusive situation and cutting off contact with the person creating it. The one time I sought help while still in a controlling, abusive relationship I faced fierce retaliation leading me to fear ever seeking help again. Towards the end of that relationship couples therapy was recommended by the family physician, but as some of you may know, a narcissist does not seek therapy except to prove themselves right and attempt to prove the instability of their partner. Fortunately, our therapist was very intuitive and experienced with narcissistic behaviors which threw my ex into a furious rage and a near assault on the aging therapist. This experience crystallized my resolve to escape and pursue a new life.