As much as I cringe at the memory of some of my life experiences, time has proven them a potent learning tool. Reading a book, attending a lecture, listening to my parents or friends could never teach me life’s lessons so clearly. People who dole out hurt and manipulation exist in this world in higher numbers than I care to acknowledge. The role these people in our lives is painful but incredibly wisdom forming for those who survive. There was a time when I wished for a different life where bad things never happened, and people never hurt or mistreated me. Without those bad experiences, I would not be the same person. Yes, many broken pieces of me still need mending but once healed those pieces will be stronger than ever before.
I was not the first one to see behind his mask, and I will not be the last. Others recognized him for who he was long before I entered his life and he could only speak hate at the memory of them. At first, his family and friends appeared to stand by him and claimed ignorance of any wrongdoing but after some time passed they sought the truth. The craziest thing about his relentless pursuit of adoration is that everyone already knows the truth. Even the poor woman who lives with him right now knows there is something wrong – she just hasn’t hit her breaking point yet. When she moves on, he will simply find another to continue the cycle. Wearing out the welcome is just another stepping stone in his trail of destruction to claim something he can never have – authenticity.
It started innocently enough with a plea to report my whereabouts to keep you from worrying about me because you cared so much. It progressed to protecting me from anyone who may wish to cause harm which included my family. It grew to encompass jealousy of my friends and an intense suspicion of constant infidelity. It escalated to crush any dream of mine that was not intended to glorify you. The final push was to destroy every trace of my dignity by devouring the souls of my children.
I could sacrifice myself because by that point I believed there was nothing left of me but I refused to surrender my children. They had no choice in the matter, no options and the only hope for them was me. It ended with me rising up to claim myself again, for the sake of my children.
We all know how it ended regardless of the fantasy you created to appease yourself and those you currently manipulate. We are healing and are stronger than you can imagine. We will prevail and live in the light, but you will always hide in the shadows of your lies.
The narcissist spends incalculable hours bragging about his genius and the cesspool of stupidity in which the rest of us exist. He once explained to me that if he told himself something enough times, it would become true. I can still picture him sitting there telling himself he is a genius, an innocent victim, and an excellent father, but that doesn’t make it true. Sucks for who?
Understanding the narcissist emotional age helps put some things into perspective. A young child throwing a temper tantrum is irritating but something to be expected as a part of normal development. A full-grown man behaving in an angry, irrational way is just frightening and dangerous. I don’t know how to stop that but at least I know he is reacting in an abnormal way to life. I no longer blame myself for his reactions. I’ll keep getting better. He will always be a narcissist.