Realizing the narcissists in my life knew very well what they were doing was a revelation for me. They purposefully and knowingly hurt others without regret, empathy, or taking any responsibility. They are in control of their actions at all times. Ultimately, the priority is to impress those who have yet to see behind their masks. Narcissists do it on purpose!
Discovering that I was married to a complete stranger to me after thirteen years was life-changing. The narcissist painted a picture and spun a story specifically tailored to seduce me into believing he was everything I wanted. I was terribly naive for not realizing he could be a narcissist. My sin was believing him and overlooking every sign that would lead me to see the truth until it was much too late. I do not love him, and I never did because narcissists are nothing but pure fiction.
There is no progress in blaming others, but I refuse to feel bad for the narcissist. It is possible, even likely, that he suffered trauma in his childhood, but that does not make his actions acceptable.
Maybe, when he was still a young child, I could feel some empathy towards him, but the narcissist I know is a grown man who stands almost a foot taller than me and outweighs me by over one hundred pounds. His physical stature is intimidating to me, and I shudder to think of the perception my children had of him when they were young.
Regardless of his size advantage, he held nothing back while raging and thundering at us. I may understand part of why he is damaged, but I will not feel sorry for him.
How naive I was to believe the narcissist I married was sincere when he professed his love for me and his desire to have children and live happily ever after. I understand even those with the best intentions are sometimes unable to have lasting love or a successful marriage. The most painful truth I discovered was that everything about the narcissist was lies and manipulation.
The farce began at the very first moment we met and was for the sole purpose of fulfilling his demented ideas. He never loved me, and he is unable to love his children. We were merely another stop on his never-ending journey to make everyone else believe he is a fabulous person.
He has this insatiable drive for admiration because he knows how dark and rotten he is, driving him to spend unlimited amounts of energy building his false self. Truth, as painful as it was, released me from the agony of life with him. It hasn’t been easy to heal, particularly for the children, but we will overcome our encounter with the narcissist.
It must be miserable being a narcissist no matter how much attention they attract. Deep down, they know they lack in so many ways, and this frightening reality fuels their insatiable needs. The desperate moves made to obtain and keep their narcissistic supply burn bridges and ruin relationships, driving them to be on the lookout for the next victim continually. There is no stability, comfort, or love; only masks, lies, and insincerity. No matter how miserable they are, admitting to the farce that is their life is far more painful than merely continuing the game. They are willing to inflict damage on all they come into contact with, sparing none, in a pitiful attempt to maintain their fake persona. There is no repairing a narcissist.
I waited, knowing it would come. Maybe in a minute, perhaps in several hours, but it always came. I had to be there when the narcissist was around to make sure it didn’t get worse. When I didn’t wait, and when I wasn’t there, it was always escalated and amplified. I prayed for an end, dreamed, and longed for it, but instead, life stagnated and festered. It didn’t end until I made it stop, and it was treacherous and frightening, but utterly necessary.
I find myself waiting again with another narcissist. It’s not so bad this time, at least not on the surface. He has different ways, wears a different mask, and tells different lies. It’s bad enough that I failed to notice the signs again. Now, I’m waiting for an end, and I’m petrified. I know it won’t end until I make it stop, and I’m even more afraid this time because I know what lies ahead.